This is our first installment in our Lies & the Church series, and we will provide a few guiding comments in the introduction before dealing with the first set of supposed lies.
You will hear and read many people’s thoughts on different comments church people make about a variety of religious topics, including sex. The first thing that needs to be understood is that while some discontented church goers may call those statements lies, the people making them may not be actually lying. They may be repeating what they have been told and think what they are saying is the truth; they may be misguided but still are not trying to lie; or they may try to find something to say when they are caught unprepared when difficult questions arise.
Second, to label comments as lie is not Christian for some people they may have experienced what they are saying. Just because that experience is not shared by some others does not make the statement a lie. There are many factors that may lead to different results. Third, to say that the comments are a lie, one must prove that they are actually lies and were told intentionally. In some cases the statements are labeled as lies simply because the discontented just do not agree with the statements.
To sum up, people are too quick to label comments as lies and other Christians as liars. They do not do enough honest research before condemning those who make such statements and rarely do they give the benefit of the doubt that the people making the comments did so in good faith. Many times people are taught erroneous information as truth and that is the fault of the teacher or pastor not the member of the church. The church member goes to church hoping to hear the truth not misleading discourses on different issues.
We will begin this series with a controversial topic–sex. For no other reason than it only has 5 ‘lies’ in the list. The list comes from the article 5 Lies I Learned about Sex Growing Up in Church Culture found at the following link:
No. 1: Purity Equals Mind-Blowing Amazing Sex
This is one of those statements which may not be experienced by all couples. This is a depends situation and it depends upon the couple involved and their attitudes about sex practice. That is all we can say about that statement for no one has the exact same sexual experience as other couples. There are a few comments in that section we should address:
Sexual purity and morality are a big deal to God. He addresses these topics many times in the Bible. But what if we have missed His heart in it all?
How can we miss his heart when he talks about sex and how it should be conducted so frequently? One thing to note is that God does not promise mind-blowing sex, that is up to the couple, he talks about keeping sex sinless, good, and in line with his will. You may not have good sex but if it obeys biblical teaching then God is pleased and you do not have to worry about your sex life. But follow God’s instructions and not man’s.
Many, including myself, grew up in our teens and early 20s thinking that if we waiting to have sex before we were married, God would promptly reward us with amazing and mind-blowing sex that was free and fulfilling
This would be misguided thinking based upon misguided teaching. There is no such promise in the Bible. One does not have to have mind-blowing sex to express their love for their mate.
Our wedding night and honeymoon were sweet and special and awkward and frustrating. We were in no way prepared for the fact that true sexual intimacy would take work and education.
This is not a surprise and it is also a depends situation for it depends upon the closeness of the relationship, how one views romantic encounters and so on. people place too much emphasis on the wedding night when they should be placing it on simply being united together. Sex is NOT the only thing in a marriage but it has been over-blown by too many people both Christian and non, giving newly married couples the wrong idea about their love-making.
My prayer is that church continues to teach sexual purity, but teaches it from God’s heart. I absolutely love what Ann Voskamp has to say about it HERE. My prayer is also that the church adequately prepares teens and engaged couples for the reality that is in front of them when they are married.
This is the parent’s job, not the church’s.
No. 2: Shame & Inhibition Disappear with Marriage
For some maybe it did. This is not a lie but a shared experience that is not equal for all couples.
No. 3: Sex is for the Boys!
This one is misguided and wrong. Is it a lie? Not really for some people think that sex is only for boys. The truth is sex is for both partners and it should be equally enjoyed by both parties. Let’s not worry about the male’s overactive imagination and sexual desire at this time. Suffice it to say that boys need to be taught how to control their sexual urges, their lust and so on and they need to be taught how to act biblically towards the opposite sex.
Men need the correct sexual training just as women do.
No. 4: Modest is Hottest!
This is where I truly disagree with that author for I believe modesty is hottest and I like modest women, especially in their dress.Both men and women should dress modestly for that is pleasing to God and we are not trying to draw attention to our physical attributes but bring glory to God. Those people who expose their bodies too much are not bringing glory or attention to God but their physical features and that i snot the duty of a Christian.
“But wait,” you say, “The Bible tells women to dress modestly.” That may be true, but nowhere does it say that it is “hot” when you do so.
Of course the Bible doesn’t say that because what is physically attracting to the opposite sex is left up to the humans to decide. though with some guidelines. The male or female should not be tempting the other person to sin by their dress or behavior, for that is as wrong as the actual lusting. We are not to lead other believers to sin but obedience to God’s word.
So what does a young married girl (or an old married girl) do when her husband asks her to put on a little something sexy? There is a good chance that she brushes it off and stays in her long john PJs because she feels so uncomfortable in her own skin and with her own sexuality.
This is an issue that needs to be worked out by the couple not an internet blogger. This situation requires wisdom and understanding on both parts as love is not about being sexy or sin but a joining together of two souls thus the demands/response must be worked out together with love not sinful desire.
No. 5: Don’t talk. Don’t tell.
I will go along with this idea because how to have sex is not a good pulpit topic. The morality and immorality of sexual behavior is but the actual practice of it should be left up to the parents or the couple involved
The Unspoken Rules: Don’t talk about sex in church or in Christian homes. There is one caveat to this though, if talking about sexual purity, you can talk about it. A LOT. Other than that though, mums the word.
Half of this is correct. Sexual practice should be talked about in the home for that is where that topic belongs.It is a parent’s duty to guide their children to God’s ways in life and sex is part of life thus that issue needs good and correct parental guidance.
Parents-Don’t let your kids know you have sex. Leave them believing it is only for making babies. Give them the birds and the bees talk, but make sure you really emphasize the waiting component. Do not offer any additional information.
Don’t blame the church when the parents are not equipped or capable to talk about sex with their children. Not every parent is going to be trained correctly and understanding is needed here to overcome this handicap not anger or accusations of lying.
If parents won’t talk about sex with their kids beyond the birds and the bees, how in the world are these kids, who turn into adults, going to have the confidence and information to discuss sex with their own spouse? If the church only talks about purity to teens, how can they learn to embrace God’s full design for sexual intimacy?
Yes that is a problem so maybe a wise relative should stand in for the parents with the parent’s blessing. Sometimes people just need to work these little problems out themselves. It is called communication. Not every detail of every subject is the church’s responsibility. Or maybe instead of accusing the church and Christians of lying that blogger needs to be biblically correct in her views ad put the information where others can read and share it. sadly, she is as bad as those she accuses as she gives some very bad and misguided ideas about sex in marriage in her work.
Where are these kids going to turn for information?
Instead of whining, complaining and falsely accusing, get properly trained by God and fill the void.
Well, back in the day, we turned to friends and AOL Instant Messenger for a mixture of correct and incorrect information. Thank goodness Google wasn’t around then! However, today is a different world! When kids are curious, they can easily type things in Google and suddenly and innocently end up in a porn filled world that is so incredibly difficult to get out of.
The world is not different, just the methods of obtaining the information is.
What if the church balanced out teachings on fornication and other sexual immoralities with education on how to have a deeply sacred intimate life with your spouse?
How about stop passing the buck to the overworked and understaffed church and pick up the burden? It is always easy to be a Monday Morning arm-chair quarterback.
And He created it ALL for His ultimate glory. Yes, having a deeply intimate relationship with your spouse is glorious to the One who created you.
Yes but violating God’s rules are not part of that creation or glory. You cannot sin in having sex with your mate nor force them to sin. Understanding is needed by both partners, for both partners may not see eye to eye on the issue. You need to talk things out without having your lusts and fantasies influence the discussion. You need to be Christian in this discussion and to be Christian one applies biblical teaching to sex and your conversations on the topic. Then you do not listen to false teachers or those who say it is okay to disobey biblical teaching on the subject. Follow the Holy Spirit to the truth.
As one person at a YWAM base in Montana once said–sex is okay because God created it. In other words it is okay to talk about correctly and properly, it is okay to enjoy it BUT as long as you follow God’s rules for sin and disobedience is never okay with God.
We will get to part two as soon as we can.